Thursday, September 22, 2016

Why I Hardly Ever Use My Mailing List

(If I could draw, this would be a comic strip instead.)

Me: *reading writing blogs while shamefully snacking on something I'm not supposed to eat*

Writing Blog: DO YOU WANT TO SELL MORE BOOKS? THEN YOU SHOULD GROW YOUR MAILING LIST! IT'S THE KEY TO BECOMING A BEST-SELLING AUTHOR. THAT'S WHAT I DID AND NOW I SELL THOUSANDS OF BOOKS EVERY YEAR.

Me: *drops the rest of the bad food I was eating on the ground and has to throw it away to keep my dog from devouring it and getting sick* OH MY GOD! That's what I have been doing wrong this entire time! I need to grow my mailing list!

Me: *logs into Mailchimp fervently* Let's see. How many people are on my mailing list?

Mailchimp: You have 30 people subscribed to your mailing list and one of those people is you. Pathetic.

Me: I can't become a bestselling author with only 30 people on my mailing list! I need to fix this.

Writing Blog: THE KEY TO GETTING PEOPLE TO SIGN UP FOR YOUR MAILING LIST IS TO ADD ONE OF THOSE POP-UPS TO YOUR WEB-SITE THAT WON'T GO AWAY UNTIL PEOPLE SIGN UP FOR YOUR MAILING LIST.

Me: I HATE those pop-ups. They're the worst thing ever. *logs into Weebly* I have to do this! People will be so annoyed by them that they'll HAVE to sign up for my mailing list. GENIUS!

****SIX WEEKS PASS****

Me: OH YEAH! I added that pop-up. I need to check Mailchimp and see how well it has worked. *logs on to mailchimp*

Mailchimp: You have 30 people on your mailing list.

Me: That can't be right. I made my pop-up extra annoying and weebly says I've had a couple thousand visitors to my website since then.

Thousands of people who have been visiting my website: *goes to E.B. Black's website and sees the pop-up* F*** this! I'm leaving. *exits the website without seeing or doing anything*

Me: I wonder why my sales are worse ever since I added that pop-up to my site! Oh well! Must be a coincidence!

****ANOTHER WEEK PASSES****

Me: *checks Mailchimp* AGH! Still only 30 people on my mailing list! I need to change this. I know! People like money! And contests! I'll give them money! And contests!

My Blog: *SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER AND WIN A $100 AMAZON GIFT CARD*

Me: *logs into Mailchimp a few days later*

Mailchimp: You have 100 subscribers!

Me: *spits out water that I was drinking* Wow! It worked!

WRITING BLOG: NOW THAT YOU'VE GROWN YOUR MAILING LIST, YOU NEED TO PROVIDE QUALITY CONTENT TO YOUR SUBSCRIBERS TO KEEP THEM HAPPY.

Me: *types up a long story and also a post full of interesting facts, it takes me days to complete, emails it to my mailing list* They'll love this!

****A FEW DAYS PASS****

Me: *logs into Mailchimp*

Mailchimp: Only fifteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.

Me: NO! I have to fix this. Maybe they don't want quality content! They just want free stuff! Give them free stuff!

My Newsletter: Get all the books I've written for free. Here's a link to all of them. I just want to thank you for being a part of my mailing list.

****A FEW DAYS PASS****

Me: *logs into Mailchimp*

Mailchimp: Only Fourteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.

Me: *ripping out all my hair* But I was giving them everything I had, I was giving it to them for free and they didn't like it! I mean, I did get them all to sign up because of my contest. Maybe that's the only thing they care about, contests and money. I just need to run more contests and money.

My Blog: WIN A $100 AMAZON GIFT CARD BY SIGNING UP FOR MY MAILING LIST! IF YOU'RE ALREADY ON MY MAILING LIST, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO WIN!

My Newsletter: Here! I'm giving away another Amazon gift card! You don't have to do anything to win it. All you have to do is stay on my mailing list and you can win! Here's some links to some other contests, too, if you like contests.

****A FEW DAYS PASS****

Me: *logs into mailchimp*

Mailchimp: Only Thirteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.

Me: WHAT?! THEY HATE MONEY NOW!!! *rips out a lot of hair* I give up. I don't know what to do. I only have 70 subscribers now and I don't want to lose all of them.

****SIX MONTHS PASS****

Me: *logs into mailchimp*

Mailchimp: You have 70 subscribers.

Me: Huh. Still? I thought all of them would have unsubscribed by now.

Mailchimp: Nope. You still have 70 subscribers after all this time.

Me: Hmmm, well, maybe since they are so loyal to my mailing list, I should tell them about how I'm giving away all my books for free again. *thinks about how I lost 10 subscribers last time I did that* Or maybe not, this way I can keep all my subscribers. They get angry when I e-mail them things.

Mailchimp: But those subscribers don't mean anything if you don't actually mail them any newsletters.

Me: SHUT UP MAILCHIMP. *logs off Mailchimp* I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.

----

And that's the story of why I'm usually too scared to send e-mails through my mailing list. THE END.

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