(If I could draw, this would be a comic strip instead.)
Me: *reading writing blogs while shamefully snacking on something I'm not supposed to eat*
Writing Blog: DO YOU WANT TO SELL MORE BOOKS? THEN YOU SHOULD GROW YOUR MAILING LIST! IT'S THE KEY TO BECOMING A BEST-SELLING AUTHOR. THAT'S WHAT I DID AND NOW I SELL THOUSANDS OF BOOKS EVERY YEAR.
Me: *drops the rest of the bad food I was eating on the ground and has to throw it away to keep my dog from devouring it and getting sick* OH MY GOD! That's what I have been doing wrong this entire time! I need to grow my mailing list!
Me: *logs into Mailchimp fervently* Let's see. How many people are on my mailing list?
Mailchimp: You have 30 people subscribed to your mailing list and one of those people is you. Pathetic.
Me: I can't become a bestselling author with only 30 people on my mailing list! I need to fix this.
Writing Blog: THE KEY TO GETTING PEOPLE TO SIGN UP FOR YOUR MAILING LIST IS TO ADD ONE OF THOSE POP-UPS TO YOUR WEB-SITE THAT WON'T GO AWAY UNTIL PEOPLE SIGN UP FOR YOUR MAILING LIST.
Me: I HATE those pop-ups. They're the worst thing ever. *logs into Weebly* I have to do this! People will be so annoyed by them that they'll HAVE to sign up for my mailing list. GENIUS!
****SIX WEEKS PASS****
Me: OH YEAH! I added that pop-up. I need to check Mailchimp and see how well it has worked. *logs on to mailchimp*
Mailchimp: You have 30 people on your mailing list.
Me: That can't be right. I made my pop-up extra annoying and weebly says I've had a couple thousand visitors to my website since then.
Thousands of people who have been visiting my website: *goes to E.B. Black's website and sees the pop-up* F*** this! I'm leaving. *exits the website without seeing or doing anything*
Me: I wonder why my sales are worse ever since I added that pop-up to my site! Oh well! Must be a coincidence!
****ANOTHER WEEK PASSES****
Me: *checks Mailchimp* AGH! Still only 30 people on my mailing list! I need to change this. I know! People like money! And contests! I'll give them money! And contests!
My Blog: *SIGN UP FOR MY NEWSLETTER AND WIN A $100 AMAZON GIFT CARD*
Me: *logs into Mailchimp a few days later*
Mailchimp: You have 100 subscribers!
Me: *spits out water that I was drinking* Wow! It worked!
WRITING BLOG: NOW THAT YOU'VE GROWN YOUR MAILING LIST, YOU NEED TO PROVIDE QUALITY CONTENT TO YOUR SUBSCRIBERS TO KEEP THEM HAPPY.
Me: *types up a long story and also a post full of interesting facts, it takes me days to complete, emails it to my mailing list* They'll love this!
****A FEW DAYS PASS****
Me: *logs into Mailchimp*
Mailchimp: Only fifteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.
Me: NO! I have to fix this. Maybe they don't want quality content! They just want free stuff! Give them free stuff!
My Newsletter: Get all the books I've written for free. Here's a link to all of them. I just want to thank you for being a part of my mailing list.
****A FEW DAYS PASS****
Me: *logs into Mailchimp*
Mailchimp: Only Fourteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.
Me: *ripping out all my hair* But I was giving them everything I had, I was giving it to them for free and they didn't like it! I mean, I did get them all to sign up because of my contest. Maybe that's the only thing they care about, contests and money. I just need to run more contests and money.
My Blog: WIN A $100 AMAZON GIFT CARD BY SIGNING UP FOR MY MAILING LIST! IF YOU'RE ALREADY ON MY MAILING LIST, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO WIN!
My Newsletter: Here! I'm giving away another Amazon gift card! You don't have to do anything to win it. All you have to do is stay on my mailing list and you can win! Here's some links to some other contests, too, if you like contests.
****A FEW DAYS PASS****
Me: *logs into mailchimp*
Mailchimp: Only Thirteen people opened your e-mail and out of those, ten unsubscribed.
Me: WHAT?! THEY HATE MONEY NOW!!! *rips out a lot of hair* I give up. I don't know what to do. I only have 70 subscribers now and I don't want to lose all of them.
****SIX MONTHS PASS****
Me: *logs into mailchimp*
Mailchimp: You have 70 subscribers.
Me: Huh. Still? I thought all of them would have unsubscribed by now.
Mailchimp: Nope. You still have 70 subscribers after all this time.
Me: Hmmm, well, maybe since they are so loyal to my mailing list, I should tell them about how I'm giving away all my books for free again. *thinks about how I lost 10 subscribers last time I did that* Or maybe not, this way I can keep all my subscribers. They get angry when I e-mail them things.
Mailchimp: But those subscribers don't mean anything if you don't actually mail them any newsletters.
Me: SHUT UP MAILCHIMP. *logs off Mailchimp* I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.
----
And that's the story of why I'm usually too scared to send e-mails through my mailing list. THE END.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
How To Become A Bestselling Author - GUARANTEED!
Step 1:
Join The Psychic School For Clairvoyant Development.
You need to write for trends. This is important if you want your books to sell well.
But you can't write for the trends happening now, because by the time you finish the novel, the trend will be over. You must write for the trends that are going to happen in two years when you are done editing and writing your book.
This is why you must join this psychic school and develop your latent psychic talents. All bestselling authors can tell the future and knew their book was going to be a bestseller even before they wrote the first chapter.
Duh. It's so easy. I don't know why all authors don't write for trends.
Step 2:
Write books with a list about how to become a bestselling author, even though you don't have a bestselling novel so desperate writers will buy it and your book about writing bestsellers will become a bestseller. And then when anyone accuses you of not having written a best seller, you can point at this book and say,"See! I have a bestseller!"
And then when your publish your fiction books, you can write on the cover,"From Bestselling Author..."
Whoops. Let's try that again....
(New) Step 2:
Read lists like this over and over again until you memorize them.I monetized my blog and now the more you read it, the more money I make. That's why I write lists like these. There are a lot of writing rules out there and unless you memorize all of them, including this list of rules, you will not become a bestseller. I knew someone who forgot a comma in one of her sentences one time and her book got 100 one star reviews because it was terrible. I hate authors who don't use editors and know nothing about good grammar and spelling. I throw books across the room when this happens.
No one can write a perfect novel, but if your novel doesn't become a bestseller than that means you weren't perfect, missed one of these rules, and now you suck and everyone hates you.
Step 3:
Make your books free.
You can't make any money unless you give your books away.
How does that work, you ask? Well, you were taught math wrong in school. You always thought $0=$0, but if you add enough zeros together, like, if you give away 100 books for $0, it actually equals $1,000.
Ebooks are magic, you see, and bestselling authors are skilled wizards who have learned to manipulate this magic. They make their first book free and as readers click on the download button, wires get crossed and every 0 actually gets a 1 added in front of it. That's what binary code is all about. It's really complicated, but if you become an android, then binary code will make sense to you and you'll learn how to add all those 1's in front of all those 0's.
So, you see, all you have to do if you want to become a bestselling author is replace some of your organic parts with cybernetic ones!!! It's that easy!!!
Step 4:
You have to use social media to sell your books. Readers are eager to network with authors, so you must join every single social media site out there. Even ones no one has ever heard of, like Ello. I've had an account on there for years that I never use and it's so helpful to me!
It won't take that much of your time to update them regularly. Only about 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. That might sound like a lot of time, but this is where your cybernetic parts also come in. They'll help you stay awake, so you never have to sleep again.
Also, don't forget that if you want to be on social media 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, you're going to have to learn how to turn back time using your wizarding skills that I was talking about earlier.
If you don't have wizarding skills, no problem! Just join The Grey School Of Wizardry and you'll be on your way to turning back time in no time. It's THAT easy!
All this time I was trying to sell books without cybernetic parts, psychic powers, and magical spells. I was so stupid.
Step 5:
If you tried all these steps and none of this stuff worked, then I'm afraid that your problem must be a terrible book cover. Everyone knows that people judge books by their covers, so if no one likes your novel then your book cover must SUCK!
There are award winning authors out there and they are award winners for a reason. Their covers are beautiful, take this gem, which is a book cover for a book written by an author with several awards. Her book has almost 300 reviews, which is more than most of us will ever see:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0064409597
Have you ever seen a cover that was more perfect? I know it's hard to imagine making a cover as pretty as that one, but you're going to have to if you want to become a bestselling author.
We all want to believe that society loves the ugly people and that they're just as special as the pretty ones, but we just tell that to ugly people so they stop feeling bad about themselves. Books are the same way.
If you want your book to be loved and not be rejected by society, then you're going to have to make it beautiful. JUST FACE IT!
Step 6:
If you tried all these steps and your book is still not a bestseller, then I'm sorry, but we're going to have to kick you out of writing. Because the problem probably is that you just suck period.
Like I said, these steps are guaranteed, so if you tried them and failed, then that must mean there is something inherently wrong with you.
This is not me being a narcissist or talking down to you, I'm just better than you and always right. So if my list doesn't work for you, then you just suck and I'm sorry, but you'll have to quit publishing.
Join The Psychic School For Clairvoyant Development.
You need to write for trends. This is important if you want your books to sell well.
But you can't write for the trends happening now, because by the time you finish the novel, the trend will be over. You must write for the trends that are going to happen in two years when you are done editing and writing your book.
This is why you must join this psychic school and develop your latent psychic talents. All bestselling authors can tell the future and knew their book was going to be a bestseller even before they wrote the first chapter.
Duh. It's so easy. I don't know why all authors don't write for trends.
Write books with a list about how to become a bestselling author, even though you don't have a bestselling novel so desperate writers will buy it and your book about writing bestsellers will become a bestseller. And then when anyone accuses you of not having written a best seller, you can point at this book and say,"See! I have a bestseller!"
Whoops. Let's try that again....
(New) Step 2:
Read lists like this over and over again until you memorize them.
No one can write a perfect novel, but if your novel doesn't become a bestseller than that means you weren't perfect, missed one of these rules, and now you suck and everyone hates you.
Step 3:
Make your books free.
You can't make any money unless you give your books away.
How does that work, you ask? Well, you were taught math wrong in school. You always thought $0=$0, but if you add enough zeros together, like, if you give away 100 books for $0, it actually equals $1,000.
Ebooks are magic, you see, and bestselling authors are skilled wizards who have learned to manipulate this magic. They make their first book free and as readers click on the download button, wires get crossed and every 0 actually gets a 1 added in front of it. That's what binary code is all about. It's really complicated, but if you become an android, then binary code will make sense to you and you'll learn how to add all those 1's in front of all those 0's.
So, you see, all you have to do if you want to become a bestselling author is replace some of your organic parts with cybernetic ones!!! It's that easy!!!
Step 4:
You have to use social media to sell your books. Readers are eager to network with authors, so you must join every single social media site out there. Even ones no one has ever heard of, like Ello. I've had an account on there for years that I never use and it's so helpful to me!
It won't take that much of your time to update them regularly. Only about 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. That might sound like a lot of time, but this is where your cybernetic parts also come in. They'll help you stay awake, so you never have to sleep again.
Also, don't forget that if you want to be on social media 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, you're going to have to learn how to turn back time using your wizarding skills that I was talking about earlier.
If you don't have wizarding skills, no problem! Just join The Grey School Of Wizardry and you'll be on your way to turning back time in no time. It's THAT easy!
All this time I was trying to sell books without cybernetic parts, psychic powers, and magical spells. I was so stupid.
Step 5:
If you tried all these steps and none of this stuff worked, then I'm afraid that your problem must be a terrible book cover. Everyone knows that people judge books by their covers, so if no one likes your novel then your book cover must SUCK!
There are award winning authors out there and they are award winners for a reason. Their covers are beautiful, take this gem, which is a book cover for a book written by an author with several awards. Her book has almost 300 reviews, which is more than most of us will ever see:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0064409597
Have you ever seen a cover that was more perfect? I know it's hard to imagine making a cover as pretty as that one, but you're going to have to if you want to become a bestselling author.
We all want to believe that society loves the ugly people and that they're just as special as the pretty ones, but we just tell that to ugly people so they stop feeling bad about themselves. Books are the same way.
If you want your book to be loved and not be rejected by society, then you're going to have to make it beautiful. JUST FACE IT!
Step 6:
If you tried all these steps and your book is still not a bestseller, then I'm sorry, but we're going to have to kick you out of writing. Because the problem probably is that you just suck period.
Like I said, these steps are guaranteed, so if you tried them and failed, then that must mean there is something inherently wrong with you.
This is not me being a narcissist or talking down to you, I'm just better than you and always right. So if my list doesn't work for you, then you just suck and I'm sorry, but you'll have to quit publishing.
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