These are the ten types of writers you will run into while reading or writing books...
1. "The Brand Is Everything Writer"
This author is all about marketing all the time. They have a brand. They've always had a brand and everything must fit their brand.
Even the stuff they post on facebook must fit their brand and they judge every other author for posting about their real life, viewing it as dramatic and bad for the business.
This makes them come across as fake and they sometimes can be, making author friends only if it benefits their "brand" and discarding you the second you become harmful (in their opinion) or off-brand in some way.
But don't take it personally, it's "just business", as they'll tell you.
And sometimes they're the same to their readers, acting grateful to you if you're complimenting them or leaving reviews and doing a 180 degree personality change the second they give you an ARC and you don't review it within in a few days.
They may not pay you, but they still think you work for them.
These are the authors you have to watch out for.
2. "The Aspiring Writer"
This writer may or may not be actually writing anything. They love to daydream about writing. They love the idea of writing. They think if they just sit down and finally finish writing their novel, they'll be millionaires.
Those poor naive souls.
3. "The Fresh-Faced Writer"
This writer is grateful for everything. You just critiqued their book and had a problem with every single sentence they wrote? They will thank you for improving their writing. They just got their first rejection from an agent or one-star review? They are thankful for those things, too. Because now they are a "real" writer because we all receive rejections and bad reviews.
Everything is new and fresh. They're so excited to dive into the writing world, including every painful aspect of it. They're probably newly published or at least just finished their first manuscript and they haven't had enough time for their dreams to be crushed completely.
4. "The Seasoned Writer"
This is the "old" writer, the one that has been around for awhile and hates everything. They've lost count of the amount of rejections they've received. They used to dream of being a millionaire author, but they actually started doing the math. Not only are their sales nowhere near what they want them to be, but even if they are well above average, the amount of money they make on said sales is so small that they're upset about it.
They'll discourage anyone else who dreams of becoming an author, say the pursuit of it is foolish.
But are they going to quit? No, because they're addicted to writing and can't stop, which is a predicament in life they often lament.
5. "The Worshiped Writer"
This is the writer that can do no wrong. They have a large following of people that literally worship anything and everything they do. All of these people are following them in some way, probably on either facebook or twitter (or both!) They have an opinion? Thousands of shares on twitter! They finished a book? Instant bestseller! They get away with things that the rest of us scrape and struggle to achieve.
Are the rest of us jealous of them? Yes, but we would never do anything bad or mean to them because we worship them, too.
Authors like J.K. Rowling and Stephen King fall into this category.
6. "The Dirty Writer"
This author knows that sex sells. They're probably an erotica writer or a romance writer and whenever they post, they sound aroused-whether they're posting dirty jokes or pictures of half-clothed people.
They may not be selling the most copies of their books, but they're probably doing pretty well. Although they constantly have to face the possibility of websites censoring them and sometimes get banned from selling on certain sites or in trouble on facebook for their pictures.
They're tired of people judging them for writing about sex because it's just as hard to write as any other genre is and they need everyone to understand that. Americans are such prudes, hating books about sex, but loving books on violence. They'll never understand that culture.
7. "The Sexist Writer"
This is the writer that judges "The Dirty Writer." They think all women belong in that category and that only men can write real books because they don't write about romance and sex all the time. They say this despite the fact that they just finished jacking off to something online thirty minutes ago because that's classier than writing a romance novel. Because a man did it.
And real men, the only people who can actually write, write things like science fiction novels and literary fiction because those are the kinds of books that cause you to actually think. Women don't write those things because they can't think.
They're probably an alcoholic as well.
8. "The Hiding Writer"
This writer is shy. They're an introvert, which is why they began writing in the first place (because they could do it alone) and are completely overwhelmed by the fact that now that they've finished a book, they're supposed to make social media accounts and actually interact with other people.
Writing was the easy part. Actually having to interact with other authors, agents, editors, and publishers? That part is overwhelming!
They may or may not make social media accounts. They probably have social anxiety.
9. "The Conceited Writer"
Their mother/God told them they had to write this book and that all people will like it! Because they're gifted geniuses and know their book will change everyone's life. Just read it and see! If someone doesn't love their book, then they just don't realize what a million dollar idea this is and they probably have some brain cells missing.
This is the writer that worships themselves, but they're probably the only ones who feel this way. They get one star reviews on Amazon and respond to them, making sure the reader knows just how clueless they are for daring to question anything they've written.
They've probably not hired an editor. They can edit their own books because their writing is perfect and their teacher in fifth grade once told them that they have amazing grammar.
10. "The Opinionated Writer"
This writer thrives on controversy. They have opinions and they're ready to speak about them, regardless of the backlash. They might have good sales, but they probably have poor ones and they'll never know if that's due to the fact that they're opinionated or because they need to work on their marketing.
But they also don't care because writing is about having a platform for them and everyone's going to hear their opinions on things, whether they like it or not.
They are either loved or hated by everyone who follows them on social media and they thrive on that attention.
11. "The Writer Who Doesn't Think They Fit Somewhere In This List"
Oh, they do. They all do. In fact, some writers fit into multiple categories on this list. But this kind of writer believes they are unique. The things they write about are special, different than other books out there and they have their own unique personality.
They don't fit into a box. This list doesn't define them and they're furious right now reading this.